Mouthwatering Zombie Recipes
If you’re like most people, you probably ran through your rations quickly while waiting for this whole silly Zombie Apocalypse to blow over, and now you and the rest of the survivors are arguing over how to divide the last package of snack cakes and that dented tin of tuna and liver cat food.
Before starvation sets in and you begin to see your friends as gigantic hamburgers dressed in survivalist camouflage gear, you should take steps to curtail your hunger and take advantage of a food source that’s both plentiful and nutritious.
I’m talking about zombies.
Now I understand the idea of eating zombies may fill you with revulsion, or maybe even horror. But once you overcome your initial knee jerk reaction, you’ll realize it’s not an idea without merit. And you have to admit, zombie meat is certainly preferable to your other culinary choices. I mean, seriously. Cream filling? What is that stuff, anyway?
Besides, you have to admit there’s a certain karmic pleasure to be derived from chowing down on those shambling, cannibalistic horrors. Eating a zombie is almost as satisfying as being surly to a DMV worker or calling a telemarketer at home during dinner. Ah, good times. But I digress…
Once you’ve bagged yourself a zombie for dinner (two shots to the head ought to do it), all that’s left to decide is how you’re going to cook that sucker! Here are a few mouthwatering zombie recipes that should do justice to the other other white meat.
Note: Some of these recipes spices and other ingredients that might not be readily available. If you can’t find them by raiding the kitchens of the neighboring apartments, you’ll just have to improvise. For example, gunpowder can be used to add an aggressive, yet spicy accent to any dish.
- Start with the zombie at room temperature. Preheat your oven to 375.
- Spread olive oil all over the zombie, and sprinkle garlic powder to taste.
- Place the zombie directly on the oven rack, fatty side up, with a drip pan on the rack beneath. As the fat melts, the zombie will be bathed in its own delicious juices.
- Brown the zombie at 375 for half an hour. Lower the heat to 225 and cook for an additional 2 to 3 hours, until that zombie meat is falling off the bone.
Cajun Zombie Fricassee
- On a cutting board, cut the zombie into bite size pieces. Set the chunks of zombie fat aside. Sprinkle the meat with thin layers of the peppers and powders you gathered.
- In a heavy saucepan or black cast iron pot, heat the fat until it is melted, and then add the flour to make the roux.
- Stir the zombie meat into the roux until it is coated. Cook the meat until it turns white, then add the cat food to the mixture. Stir and add 3 to 4 cups of water until the consistency is similar to stew or thick gravy.
- Serve on a plate over shredded snack cake.
Laissez les bon temps roulez!
- Cut zombie into small diced pieces, cover, and refrigerate until ready to use.
- Combine Dijon mustard, onion powder, and cat food into in a nonreactive bowl. Using a fork or the back of a spoon, mash the ingredients until they are evenly mixed.
- Arrange raw zombie chunks on a plate, along with bowl containing tartar mixture. Serve immediately with pieces of snack cake.
Beverage paring: A Burgundian Pinot Noir is a good wine choice to compliment this exquisite dish. If you don’t have access to a wine cellar, consider pairing with tap water or antifreeze.
Warning: Consuming raw or undercooked zombie meat may increase the risk of food borne related illness, and could possibly lead to zombification. If you find yourself inexplicably craving brains, stop eating immediately and inform whichever survivor is currently holding the shotgun.