Zombie Dining Etiquette
Whether it’s fair or not, zombies have gained a reputation for being bad dinner guests. Perhaps its the fact that they frequently drop by unexpectedly, with several friends in tow. Maybe it’s the fact that they always eat with their hands. But whatever the reason, zombies often find themselves excluded from dinner parties.
But in the aftermath of the Zombie Apocalypse, you may find yourself hard pressed to put together a guest list of eight living people for that dinner party you’ve been planning. If you need to invite some of your zombie neighbors over to fill those empty places, the following tips will help ensure that things go smoothly.
Setting the Table for Zombies
Don’t waste your time agonizing over the proper placement of the utensils or glassware. Zombies don’t know a salad fork from a spleen. Instead, you should focus on a table setting that’s more functional than decorative. An industrial tarp will be much more durable and stain-resistant than your fancy table linen, and sheets of plastic will protect your windows, walls, and family photos from the inevitable spatter when the zombies begin shoveling food into their gaping, rotting maws.
Saying Grace
Religion can be a touchy subject around zombies. Some adhere to Caribbean voodoo beliefs, while others may choose to gather in subterranean grottoes and worship undetonated nuclear warheads. Others still may profess no belief, and may eschew the social norms of saying grace in favor of simply diving into the food and devouring it with reckless abandon. If you must start dinner off with a prayer, keep it short and try to avoid words like “unholy” and “abomination.”
Setting a Menu for Zombies
Zombies aren’t known for their discerning taste, and probably won’t be impressed by a wide array of appetizers or a professional wine selection. In fact, your best bet is to simply provide several buckets of fresh brains, with an occasional heart or intestine thrown in to spice things up.
Zombies also tend to be ravenous, as they’re lacking any kind of neurological trigger to let them know when they’re “full.” For this reason, you should be careful about portioning out the brains so your zombie guests won’t overeat to the point of exploding. Should this happen despite your best efforts, at least your tarps and plastic sheets will make cleanup a breeze.
Making Conversation with Zombies
Most zombies have long since lost the capacity for human speech, but there remain a small minority with limited communication skills. Try not to leave them out when you’re conversing with your other dinner guests. If necessary, steer the conversation to a topic of interest to zombies, such as brains.
You should also bear in mind that even the most talkative of zombies will likely be missing a portion of its face, lips, or tongue, which can make communication problematic at best. This should provide you with a good opportunity to practice your listening skills. Nod occasionally, and respond with noncommittal replies such as “Uh huh,” or “I see.” Body language can also be important when conversing with a zombie, assuming it has enough body left for non-verbal communication.
Wrapping Up the Party
Unfortunately, most zombies lack the social skills to know when it’s time to leave. You can try dropping hints, such as yawning incessantly, commenting on the lateness of the hour, or putting on your pajamas. If your zombie guests fail to take the hint, you may be force to resort to more drastic measures, like fire or a double-tap to the brain pan.
Just follow these guidelines for your next zombie dinner party, and you’re sure to be the talk of what’s left of your town!