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Zombies attack

Protect Yourself From the Living Dead ‐ Zombies!

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To effectively protect yourself from the living dead, it’s good to know the origins of your enemy. It may come as a relief to many of you to know that zombies are made, not born. This means that, though we all have the potential to be zombies, none of us start out that way. So on an individual basis we all generally stand a good chance of evading this fate.

The number one way that zombies are created is by being bitten by other zombies.

This transmits a zombie-virus that infects the unfortunate victim, instantaneously creating another member of the living dead. This is good to know – stay away from zombie choppers, and you won’t become a zombie yourself.

Zombies can also be made through meteorites from outer space crash landing on earth and dispersing their zombie-creating alien spores through the atmosphere (people then breathe in these spores and instantly become the living dead) and also through sorcery and witchcraft. It’s fairly easy to avoid being zombiefied by these two means. Just remember to stay on the good side of all witches and warlocks you may encounter (and just to play it safe, be nice to everyone, because it isn’t always obvious who is or isn’t a zombie-maker); also, stay away from the remote areas where meteorites tend to fall. Taking these two precautions will greatly enhance the likelihood that you will never join the ranks of the living dead. There are a few other ways that zombies are created, but they are so rare that likely you’ll never encounter them.

But, still, what does one do when the fickle finger of zombie-creating fate points firmly at the (former) people around you? First of all, don’t panic. Take a page from the Boy Scout Handbook and BE PREPARED! Be sure to have these zombie-fighting essentials on hand, and you should be okay:

  • A 2 x 4 with one or several nails driven through the top of it: This is still THE most effective zombie-fighting weapon known to mankind; yes, indeed, if it was good enough for the Cavemen, it’s good enough for you. The one drawback of this weapon is that it requires a certain amount of “closeness” to the living dead to be effective, but on the other hand, you can make it as long as you like if you don’t want to get too near (and who would?). One good whack on the head with this baby, and that’s one less zombie to worry about.
  • Spam: This food is not only delicious, but is also a good stand-in for the living dead’s favorite treat, brains. Having this on hand will get you out of many a tight spot. For example, if a zombie happens to be getting a little too frisky and is zeroing-in on your precious cranium, pull out a handful of Spam and throw it as far away from yourself as you can. The zombie will instantly be fooled, going after the Spam instead of your head. While the zombie is crouched down, sniffing the decoy brains, be sure to take the opportunity to give the zombie a good whack on the head with your 2 x 4.
  • Reading materials: Fighting the living dead is usually 20 minutes of intensely terrifying activity followed by hours of dreary down time. Having something to read will keep you occupied, and your brain sharp for the next battle.
  • Running shoes with Velcro closures: I cannot overstate the importance of this one! Zombies are deadly, but they are also slow. Many a zombie has captured a tasty treat by simply picking up a fleeing human who has tripped over their shoelaces. Get rid of the shoelaces, and your chances of tripping (and becoming zombie food) greatly decrease.
  • Duct tape: Zombies aren’t entirely brainless, but they are stupid. While they don’t let other distractions (like walls, doors, and windows) get in the way of their goals (your brains), for some reason duct tape really throws them off. Whatever the reason, if you can manage to get close enough to a zombie to get some duct tape on him or her, they will instantly stop whatever it is they’re doing (chasing you for your brains) and deal with un-sticking the duct tape. This usually takes so long, they just forget about you (and your delicious brains).

Sometimes when an important task is at hand, we just don’t know where to begin. The above list is a good place to start when dealing with that inexorable threat, zombies. Do yourself, your family, and your community a favor – take the time today to protect yourself from the living dead.

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