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Zombie Facts You Need to Know


Are zombies real? Will zombies be covered by universal healthcare? How do I know if that old flame from high school who keeps trying to ‘friend’ me on Facebook is a zombie? All are valid questions and this article will attempt to answer these and other zombie-related questions.

A Brief History of the Zombie

Evidence of zombies dates back to the time of the Pharaohs. For centuries, legend had it that the Sphinx’s nose was broken off by a cannonball fired by Napoleon’s army during his Egyptian campaign (1789-1801). We now know, however, that the missing nose served as a warning to would-be grave robbers that the Valley of the Kings was inhabited by zombies. Zombies, whose diet consists primarily of human brains, typically access their victim’s craniums through the nasal cavities, and mummies, after all, are simply zombies with no fashion sense.

Although the historical record is sketchy, it is known that zombies flourished during “The Black Death” (1347) and other plagues that swept through Europe during the Middle Ages. Zombies eventually migrated to the U.S. via Haiti near the end of the 17th century. Many found New Orleans to their liking and some have theorized that the practice of above-ground burials in the Crescent City suited the zombies’ modus operandi. Others point to zombies’ well known love of jazz music.

Where Do Zombies Come From?

There is a great deal of confusion about how one becomes a zombie. The only way to become a zombie is by being bitten by a zombie. Every year, however, thousands of Americans are misdiagnosed as zombies. The Center for Disease Control attributes the majority of these cases to overexposure to infomercials. The Center also states that false-positive zombie reports tend to increase every four years in conjunction with presidential debates.

Zombie Healthcare

Will zombies be covered by the pending healthcare reform? At this time, no one knows for certain. However many have speculated that provisions for zombies could very well be included if special interest groups get their way. Helen Back, a spokesperson for the American Association for Undead People said, “Insurance companies classify zombiism as a pre-existing condition and routinely discriminate against the undead. Our organization will not support any reform that fails to address this injustice.” A spokesperson for the Obama administration has said that “the term ‘universal’ would, by definition, include zombies,” but opponents accuse the administration of pandering to the zombie vote.

Zombies on the Web

If you’re one of the millions of Americans who has joined the Facebook community, you’ve no doubt found it to be a great way to reconnect with old friends and colleagues. Unfortunately, you may also have received “friend” requests from zombies. One way to determine if the “friend request” comes from a zombie is by examining the profile picture of the person making the request. Zombie profile pictures are typically devoid of any facial features and resemble a generic male or female silhouette on a monochromatic background. Facebook urges its members to exercise due caution when confirming suspected zombie friend requests and states that there is currently no plan to develop a zombie filter.

Zombie Sightings

The National Traffic and Safety Board reports that Zombies are responsible for thousands of traffic jams on American highways each year. According to an official with the agency, “If you’ve ever been in a traffic jam that suddenly clears up for no apparent reason, it’s most likely due to zombies.” The official, who asked not to be named, had no further comment on the subject.

What Do Zombies Eat?

The primary diet of zombies consists of human brains, although they have been known to feast on other vital organs, especially during holiday seasons when we all tend to overeat. The U.S.D.A. has not issued a recommended daily allowance for human brains which has many nutritionists concerned that zombies may be among the most malnourished segment of the population. Alton Humphrey, a spokesman for the agency, expressed concern that a diet consisting solely of human brains would be lacking in fiber and nutrients which could lead to fatigue, a staggering gait, an overall sluggishness, and loss of skin tone and color.

How to Tell if You Are a Zombie

If you fear that you or someone you love may be a zombie, there are a number of over the counter, home zombie tests available. Experts insist, however, that unless you’ve been bitten by a zombie or have died and then discovered that you’re not “really, really dead”, your chances of being a zombie are less than 1 in 50.

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