Mommy, Where Do Zombies Come From?

Eventually, your children are going to ask you where zombies come from. And while you may be tempted to tell them that zombies don't exist in a misguided effort to put their fears to rest, all you're really doing is setting them up to fail in the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.

So where do zombies come from? From countless places and myriad sources. There are many varieties of zombies, each of which is unique and distinct from the others. In that regard, zombies are a lot like snowflakes, only with more cannibalism and blood spray.

Voodoo

According to voodoo (or Vodou) beliefs, a dead person can be reanimated by a sorcerer, or bokor. However, the revived zombie has no will of its own and is thus under the control of the bokor. Some say the process is magic, while others claim it is brought about by drugs that induce a death-like state. Voodoo zombies are generally used for cheap labor, and are usually harmless unless ordered into action by their master. In other words, voodoo zombies don't kill people... evil bokors kill people!

• Threat Level: 2
• Weaknesses: All the basic human ones.

Mad Science

One of the unfortunate results of tampering in the domains off limits to man is that it inevitably leads to a dead body coming back to life. Sadly, this never ends well, although there are some who might rightly claim that the problems stem from the bad choices of the mad scientist, rather than the reanimated corpse. For example, equipping your unnaturally strong walking dead behemoth with the damaged brain of a convicted killer might not be the most prudent coarse of action. When it goes after your family in a fit of jealousy or revenge, you'll have only yourself to blame.

• Threat Level: 4 (8 if you're a member of the mad scientist's family)
• Weaknesses: FIRE BAD!!!

Radiation

Zombies that arise from radioactive ruins tend to be a little bit more sociable than their savage cousins. Oh, they may still have that pesky craving for human flesh, but at least they'll be able to soliloquize about their new world order while they're chowing down on you. Zombies of this type are usually instantly recognizable by their faux religious robes and their penchant for worshipping old, undetonated nuclear warheads in underground cathedrals.

• Threat Level: 7
• Weaknesses: Charlton Heston

Contagion

Whether it's caused by military testing, an experimental retrovirus, contaminated food, or a meteor covered in space bacteria, this is the zombie from which apocalypses (apocalii?) are made. The first indication that something is wrong is that dead people start climbing out of their graves with a craving for human brains. As they munch their way through the population, the zombie contagion is spread. Anyone killed by a zombie will rise up soon afterward and join in the human smorgasbord. So you'll kill two friends, and they'll kill two friends, and so on, and so on, and so on...

• Threat Level: 10
• Weaknesses: Two taps to the brain pan. BOOM BOOM!

This list is by no means complete. Zombies can also come about as a result of aliens bent on world domination, men dying with vengeance in their hearts, and talk radio. But hopefully the information in this article will allow you to discuss the topic of zombies in a frank and honest manner when your children ask you, “Where do zombies come from?”

If you and your family want to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, you'll need to arm yourselves with knowledge. And a sawed-off shotgun. BOOM BOOM!